Advice For RelationShip Online

Hilarious Lines From Online Dating Profiles
By Scot McKay

If you have put any effort at all into online dating, I m sure that you ve read plenty about how to write online profiles, and how NOT to write them. Knowing the basics about that is a good thing, of course, and I ve written my fair share on the subject.

The truth is that there is a wealth of information our there and help is readily available when it comes to creating terrific, effective online profiles. Yet, you can somehow always count on finding plenty of particularly entertaining material like what follows when browsing profile narratives.

All of these are lifted from actual profiles. Enjoy!

“I m a walking, talking dichotomy. I hope you re the same.”
After all, opposites attract, right?

“I need a man who can full feel my fantasies.”
I distinctly remember an email I wrote to this one entitled, “Feeling Full”. I don t remember a response. Haha.

“The three things I want most in a man are honesty, sincerity and truthfulness.”
Great. The three things I want most in a woman are repetition, redundancy and duplication.

“I am recently divorced, so I am now at a stage in my life where I am not looking for one night stands.”
Well, thank goodness both the marriage and that sort of behavior have come to an end. I wonder if that s a coincidence?

“I don t drink beer, but I ll play darts at the bar with a screwdriver”
Be sure to use a Philips. Those pointy ones seem to stick to the dartboard better.

“I ll bend over backwards to help anyone who needs it, but I refuse to be a pushover.”
OK, so she doesn t need any help bending over backwards, get it?

“Attractive, fun, professional woman looking to date the same.”
Hmm. Can t help you there, girlie. I m a guy.

“I AM A HAPPY AND HONEST PERSON I HATE LAYS AND TO BE UNLOYAL”
Well, that about covers everything.

“I have my B.S. and J.D. I mostly use the B.S. part to do my J.D. job.”
Anyone who is divorced can appreciate that one. Thanks for being honest.

“A man who does not mind the simple and loving jesters I may send his way.”
Nah, I m good. I m pretty well stocked up on freaks with funky suits and bells on their hats.

“I hate complainers.”
Why? We LOVE you.

“I am an independent woman and don t need a man to support me, although the ability to do so would be nice.”
At least the truth came out early. LOL

“I m looking for someone with as many things in common as me.”
And I thought Yogi Berra was married. The more times I read this, the more I laughed.

“If you are looking for a true blue type I may be your match.”
This woman s first pic was of her posing with a Blue Man Group guy in Vegas-so I guess she wasn t kidding.

“I m a hot box, so this cuddle thing all night is out of the question unless it s the dead middle of winter.

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“DON T REPLY BACK IF YOU HAVE PROBLEM WITH DRUGS, ALCOHOL OR IF YOU ARE A FREAK.”
OK, I ask you, have you ever met a self-proclaimed freak?

“I used to be a great liar… I can smell one a mile away.”
Well it s good to know that though you used to be a great liar, the skill set it still finely tuned…just in case.

“Im etremly drawn to someone w/ a high level of intelegents.”
It s just painful to read this. (See also: “I m looking for an intelligant man”)

“By the way guys….there are NOT two ll s in traveling !”
OK, rule number one: If you are going to obnoxiously correct people who you haven t even met yet, at least have your facts together. See www.dictionary.com for elaboration.

“I love the roll of being a mom.”
How about a little roll playing?

“LOVE WHITE MEN AND LOVE TO PLAY GAMES”
Surely, she means “Scrabble” or “Monopoly”. Otherwise, this is a first.

“I hate judgemental people!”
There have to be self-esteem issues here.

“Just throwing out casts…”
And what did your orthopedic surgeon have to say about that?

“This is where I m suppose to make myself sound interesting so bare with me.”
So far, so good.

“I spend a lot of time sending polite emails, turning people down. Most of them appreciate that I did that.”
On second thought, never mind. LOL

“Are you looking for a fun loving, beautiful woman with her act together? Well, good luck!”
What made this funny was that it was the very last two lines of her profile.

“Strong indepented woman not afraid to admit she needs some one to LOVE her.”
That pent-up independence is demented stuff, isn t it?

“About him? He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards. He can flip pancakes in the air. He ll be marvelously kind. His favorite shape will be a star. And he ll have one green eye and one blue.”

You know, it seems that all the guys with one green eye and one blue eye whose favorite shape is a star and who can ride ponies backwards are always either married or gay, doesn t it? Ironically, I do actually know a guy with one green eye and one blue eye. But last I checked, he didn t have riding ponies backwards down yet. Besides, he s married (of course).

Want to hear more? Scot McKay is the founder of X & Y Communications, a one-stop-shop for dating and relationship resources. He is the author of the books “Deserve What You Want” and “Cook For Your Date”, and hosts the popular podcast series “X & Y On The Fly” with his fiancee Emily Grillo. He may be reached at scot *at* xandycommunications.net or on the Web at www.dating-advice.us and www.romantic-dinner.com. Stop by for a FREE GIFT and to subscribe to the podcast series.

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What Women Wish Men Knew and Understood
By Chet Rowland

Women are complex beings that in a lot of ways, and to a lot of men, really might be from another planet, in another galaxy, set in an entirely different universe. Men simply do not understand why women seem to always be crying and hugging, why they insist on girl s nights out once a week, and why sex is a beautiful act that is an expression of love. Men don t cry, don t discuss “feelings” and sex is a beautiful act of…getting off. What really trip men up when it comes to women is that since men simply do not understand women, they fail to even try to understand them. When you get right down to the nitty gritty though, women really aren t that complicated as long as you follow some simple rules with them.

Rule 1: Women view sex as something very different then men. Thus, the ways in which women are turned on, perform at sex, and generally engage in sexual acts is vastly different then men. Women are mental creatures and a few sexually charged suggestions will turn them on quicker than a grope at a restaurant. Mentally women need to feel secure with the person they are sleeping with, and they need to feel as though the sex is not just an act that the man could be having with her the same as a blow up doll (even if that s true, they need to believe that it s not). Most women can only be aroused by a man, who stimulates them emotionally, mentally, and physically, they have to have all 3 facets covered or the sex will be mediocre if it happens at all.

Rule 2: Women want to be treated as ladies. Not as unequal. Women do not want to depend on men for their every need. Women today do not believe that it is a sin to open the door for themselves or pay for themselves, but this does not mean that they don t find these gestures of genuine chivalry very attractive. Even the most independent woman wants to feel as though she is a lady, a being to be treasured and adored as an object of beauty, just as long as it doesn t go so far that the man insists on making her every decision.

Rule 3: Women need to talk about things. This does not mean that women are asking for your opinion or that they want to go around and magically fix all their problems. They just need to vent. Men internalize things, women externalize things. When a woman can speak her mind and vent, it is at the point in which the words have exited her mouth and gone right back in her ear that she can come up with her own solutions. Listen. That is all that women really want for you to do. And most of the time you will be let off the hook anyway, because women are much better at speaking to their girlfriends about personal problems then with their boyfriends anyway, so keep that in mind the next time she is a wreck about the “bitchy” woman in the cubicle next to her.

Rule 4: Women have guy friends.

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Some women just get along better with guy friends, and the guy friends, they hope, are just friends and not men waiting for the moment to jump in the woman s pants. A woman s guy friends are not something to get jealous over. Most of the guy friends that women keep are friends that go way back in their past, and yes, some of them may be ex s, but that does not mean that there is a torrid affair going on behind your back. Guy friends give women the truth that you wish you could, but with out the teary-eyed fight that would ensue if you actually told her how her butt really looks in those jeans.

Rule 5: To understand women, try being friends with some. If you have any girl friends, they are going to be your best bet in keeping your girlfriend happy. When a woman friend gives you advice, take it over the advice of your poker buddies. Women understand each other and most women, unless of course you are “friends” with a woman you have scorned (remember hell hath no fury…), will steer you on the correct road when it comes to the lady you are dating. If you are still in the dating game, listen to your girl friend s advice when she gives it, you will go a long way to really hitting it off with your dates if you better understand how women think and feel on a first date.

Rule 6: COMPRIMISE! A lack of compromise will make even the best of relationships crash and burn, and really this is all women want. A woman won t care that you are looking at a woman s butt or boobs, as long as you do it with your guy friends and refrain from doing in front of her, compromise. A woman will have no problem with you going out with the guys and oogling over those women, if you don t have a problem with her going out with her friends, including her guy friends, compromise. Woman will wear things that look attractive on them so that they turn heads, remember that she is on your arm, so be happy that she is dressed in such a sexy manner, and compliment her, compromise. Sex should include foreplay and cuddling, she gets what she wants and you get what you want, compromise. Women do not get anything out of gorey, shoot em up movies, so trade off, a chick flick won t kill you and you might get some insight into the mind of a woman, compromise.

Chet Rowland is the author of several courses and dvds on online dating for men. For more information and a free course on meeting women visit http://www.chetsdatingsystem.com

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